Aaron

Ok Day

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 01:48:05 GMT

Today was ok. Yesterday wasn't bad either. Still thinking about the drugs, but it is more about the social benefits I received than the actual drug. I actually just miss handing around my neighbor. Even though I am appreciative of my fiend allowing me to stay here, he is rarely around so I get lonely. That is not a good thing since it is one of my triggers. BUT NEway. After work I went to get an HIV test, which I needed since I was a meth Whore for awhile in Seattle. I don't know. Maybe I am not ready to quit. I keep thinking, oh, if I was in a safe environment it wouldn't be a problem. The flaw in that is when you are craving, you aren't careful about the environments you put yourself in. (Not to mention the other flaws of health, money etc.). I am still getting a little jittery and I have been eating alot more. Actually too much, this damn addictive personality. Things will work themselves out. I just need to realize my worth.

Back and not doing well

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 08:24:59 GMT

Not sure what my last entry was, but I need to get some stuff out. Maybe this isn't the place to do it, maybe it is. I left Seattle in a hurry because my drinking and Meth use got way out of control. I hate to admit it, but I basically had become a meth whore. I was letting guys fuck me to get meth. I called a friend and told him what was going on. Met him in Florida to fix his grandmothers house (damaged in the 2004 hurricanes) and came back to Albuquerque clean. Well, I moved into a kinda ghetto apartment complex and was fine for a month. As my lonliness set in, I tried to make friends the only way I seem to be able to, buying people beer. I know they were just using me, but at least I wasn't alone. Well, one night the guy asked me if I wanted to 'party' and I said sure. I gave him some money and he came back with crack. We smoked it and for the first time (besides meth) I felt ok, wasn't worring, upset or thinking too much about problems. I loved it. Well, from that point on, everytime we would hang out, we would 'party'. Over the last 3 weeks I must have blown through $800 or more. Here I have been working 2 jobs to save up for a car and bam, all the money I had been earning was gone. Last Friday I called my friend again and asked if I could stay with him for a few weeks and to get clean again (it is a real friend to put up with my shit and care so much). We planned to move me out on Sunday. Well, I couldn't even go one night and Saturday rolled around and I was looking for my friend who had all the connections. No where to be found. Eventually, I saw a guy knock at his door and then head my way. He bummed a cig and I asked him if he wanted to come in to warm up. A few hours later I was sending him to go get more shit. When he came back he brought a dealer and some woman. We partied all night but the dealer had to go for a few minutes (during this time, I noticed them gathering my stuff up to take with them but was too high to actually do anything). After over an hour, he never came back and the woman left and brought back another low class dealer. He started waving a gun around which freaked me out and turned a good night into one that almost had me in the corner crying. He kept showing me that it was unloaded, but their fighting and all the drama made everything worse. First chance I had I called my friend to come and get me right then. He did, I grabbed my important stuff and left.
So, It has been almost a week since my last hit. The first few days were ok, yesterday was great, no cravings at all. Today however, massive cravings, not only for crack, but for meth. The first days, I mainly missed hanging out with people that didn't expect anything of me, didn't know my past, but today the drug cravings set in.
Well, as usual, I have been analyzing. Why did I start in the first place? Not sure. Why did I continue? Complicated. Lonliness, needing to be around people, the fact that I had not felt God since I went into the mountains and felt horribly abandoned. But the simplist reason I can figure out is that internally, I had been self destructing over the past year. I had delt with my past, healed miraculasly (sp) and could move on, but now I was faced with dealing with the present, which isn't promising. The drug use was a way for me to externalize the self destruction that was going on internally. Cry for help, or simply feeling, 'well if my life is going to be hell, might as well have a reason.' My friend says that everyone feels this way, the struggle, the hopelessness etc. I have a hard time believing that. I am beyond suicide and not in a good way. I don't want it to end because of soulful, heartfelt pain or some crisis. I want it to end because I am tired. That is it. Simply tired of fighting, struggling and trying to find God in this depraved society. He says I am normal. Which is great but at the same time kinda depressing. Plus, I would hardly call someone who was raised to be an opera singer, lost his voice due to a birth defect and then ended up a 27y/o bisexual Monk and is now a recovering addict normal. Maybe that was the draw to hang out with that guy, he didn't expect anything out of me. He wasn't wanting spiritual advice, guidance or anything. I could simply be normal for a few hours. BUt normal isn't exactly smoking crack is it. I don't know anymore. Where is God in all of this? Quietly waiting for me to turn to him? Waiting for me to trust him again? I did that a year ago and my life has turned to shit. I need to figure this out.

Strange

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 00:06:56 GMT

Wow, I don't post anything for almost a year and I actually got replies and comments, not that I am doing this for attention. Ok, a little drama happened, worked through it, life has changed and about to change again in a big way. I was able to get a car. Around the beginning of the year a company took over the hotel I was working at and the place was so abusive and took advantage of me so much already, once the take over happened, it got worse. I left (soon after most everyone else left also) and got another job. It's ok. I am content, even happy, but once again, God called me out to a different path. I know my life isn't supposed to be lead in this way. I simply don't fit in or understand this society, and I will no longer settle for what is handed out. When I was a musician, I was used to taking risks. Whether that be ripping my soul open on stage during a performance, entering a competition, quiting jobs if it got in the way of my goals, to saying screw you to my father and his money and finding my own way of making it. When I lost that, I started leading a very safe life, at least I saw it that way. I stopped taking risks and thought if I planned enough, eventually I would reach my goals. That would work for most people because their goals are to have a house, car, family etc. But when your goals are less tangible, that path doesn't always work. I vowed to myself that I would no longer live my life in fear of the unknown and take the risks needed to walk my path. So, a few months ago, I finally heard from God again after a long period of silence. I had this incredible urge to sell everything and hit the road. Trusting only in God and knowing that I will go where needed. Haven't done it yet, I am not stupid. I know I needed to discern whether it was my fear talking or a spiritual movement. Well, it wasn't the fear. I am about a month away from leaving. I have decided to go 'camping' for a while, a month or so. Try to finish the book I started over a year ago and to listen to where the spirit moves me. Granted, not my entire life is spiritual. I know I need supplies (hence the postponement) and of course there is the occasional physical urge. (strange to be bi, lately I have been wanting to be with a woman which is rare, just to see if it is any better than I remember). But anyway, that is that, thanks for all the supportive comments and I will try to keep this thing updated more often.

I give up

Fri, 07 Nov 2003 20:28:04 GMT

I am so tired. Beyond depressed and angry. Beyond frustrated with life, just tired. I just can't do this anymore. I know it doesn't sound like much, but my car broke down yesterday and is unfixable. So I am back to either walking to work, or taking a bike (once I buy one since all three had been stolen) Of course at night it is in the 30's now, and of course being Albuquerque, I risk having trash thrown at me or being spit on during my trek to work, but hell, this is my life. I should just resolve to just let this happen and accept my life for what it is. I no longer have any friends, I will be passed over on this promotion because of the lack of transportation and my vestment business will have to take a back burner once again because I have no way of getting to the fabric store much less the good ones. I have been trying for twenty some odd years to change this thing I call a life, I stay clean and sober, have gotten out of debt, am a nice generous person, kind and caring with a work ethic that goes beyond most people my age, yet here I am. A 30 year old house boy, with no car, gaining weight no matter what I do, no friends, have never had a serious relationship with a family so fucked up that they can't take the time to say I love you because they are too busy asking me to fix their problems. I don't even remember the last time someone put their arms around me and said 'I love you' I keep telling myself that things will work out because they always do. I told it to myself for 4 hours at the car dealership yesterday. Finally walking home, I realized...things have never worked out. Sure, a temporary fix may come along, but nothing ever stable, nothing I can count on. I am always looking over my shoulder for my life to catch up with me. Maybe I should just start using drugs and drinking again. It seems to work for everyone else. This guy I have to deal with every once in a while, mid thrities, drunk at least 4 times a week, more pussy than he can handle & more friends, Total and complete ass just finished building a multimillion dollar loft to party in (his house is in the Heights). Something is not right with the world when people like that get all the breaks. Maybe there is no God.

Sat, 05 Oct 2002 11:34:02 GMT

Nothing big, got a bad cold that I have been fighting off for the past week. My cat is a PHYCO!!!! I will just be sitting here and I will look over at him and he will be sitting there staring at me, no twitching, no blinking, just staring. I will call his name, nothing, tell him to stop it, nothing. Then this morning it was confirmed. Yesterday I dropped my coffee pot and it broke. I thought I had gotten up all the pieces of glass, but I guess I didn't. I was in the kitchen making some tea and felt a little pain in my foot. I put the tea pot on the stove and looked down and there were puddles of blood on the floor. I pulled the glass out and it just started gushing. I hopped over to the bathroom to clean it and when I came back out to clean up the floor, there were little bloody paw prints all over and some of the puddles had been played in and licked up! ok,ok, cats are carnivores but that is just gross and wierd. NEway, I am going to get my hair cut today and try to nurse my sickness some more before another week of work starts tonight. Balloon Fiesta starting this week, so it will be hell. On top of that, I must find a car.

Fri, 27 Sep 2002 15:30:00 GMT

ok, I think I have it pinned down, my depression seems to stem from (drum roll please)... anxiety! Seriously, I have been ok for months (until the dad thing) got better but then started to hang out more with friends. Anxiety kicked in (being out, trying to get a car etc.), compounded and then I sank into a depression. I realized that all of those months I was happy and content, I was alone. I would stay at home, go to the store (alone) go to the coffee house (alone) get exercise (alone), going months without interacting with people. The minute I start hanging out with people, anxiety kicks in, then depression. Before I run to the doctor, I talked with one about herbal remidies. I will let you know how it turns out.

Sat, 21 Sep 2002 08:34:50 GMT

Interesting week. Started off badly, work was really stressful. On Tuesday I was very close to walking out. Then I got ahold of Dean and he invited me to go to the Rainbow Prom with him and his partner. Reluctantly, I said ok. Him and I went shopping and I got this 'jacket' - very clean lines buttoned all the way up to the middle of my chest with a good sized collar. But the sleves had buttoned cuffs like a shirt, so I am not sure what to call it, but it looked good. I wore that with a white shirt with a small almost waffle type texture to it and my shiny black pants. I looked nice and hip. The first part was kinda sucky, I didn't have anyone to talk too and just followed Jim and Dean around. Then we left and got something to eat, when we got back I ran into this guy from Mpower. Him and I always used to talk and he was always really perky which made me happier. I spent pretty much the entire rest of the night talking to him and we made plans to get together for dinner on Tuesday. So a sucky week ended up a nice one. I love when that happens. Well, I am tired so I am going to bed.

Sat, 24 Aug 2002 07:47:41 GMT

Haven't felt this in a long time. Completely depressed, and I can't figure out the reason why. The old tapes are starting to run in my head, I'm not doing anything with my life, I will never make a difference, no one gives a shit about me, blah blah blah. I actually started crying today while I was cleaning my landlords house. I hate this. I was doing so well, until my dad called. I don't know if it because of the stress at work, not having friends, or whatever, all I know is that the only time I leave my house is to go to work or to the store. Maybe I should go see a doctor again. Well, I just thank god that I was happy for 8 months without meds out of the past 15 years. Thats something to be thankful for.

a month later

Tue, 13 Aug 2002 08:00:49 GMT

Feeling much better. Now I just need to get back to where I was. Before all this dad thing happened, I had changed the way I was eating, lost some weight (my hips even got smaller) and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then this happened and I started binge eating again. Needless to say after 3 or 4 weeks of this I gained the weight back and felt like crap. Funny thing is, eating fast food is my downfall and everytime I eat it I feel sick, but when I go through these situations, I keep eating it. So this past week I went back to the way I should be eating (best I have found for my body type) starting to loose weight again, and finding that hope in life again. Last weekend I made a stole (religious garment) for my landlord. Turned out very pretty, white with a hand embroidered white dove holding an olive branch that had some hand beading, the bottom of each side had a hand beaded cross (very intricate) with cream and white beads, very elegant. For my other priest friend I made a rainbow stole. The stole itself was on liturgical red (beautiful fabric) and the rainbow was embroidered vertically twisting in certain areas and had a cross over the heart done in gold embroidery thread. It looked so proffesional. I was very happy with them. My landlord delivered the other stole to the other priest (who now lives in washington DC) at the convention that occured this weekend so I haven't heard what he thought of it. He had encouraged me to go into business making religios garments because most just aren't that pretty and he said I have a good eye, this is something I am considering. From houseboy to seamstress, can my life get any weirder? I will be the man who brought fashion back to the church!LOL Neway, That is all for now.

Thu, 18 Jul 2002 08:35:13 GMT

ok, so I have done alot of thinking about this. I am so much better without him in my life. I love him, I wish him well and I am glad that he is finally learning to be a father to my youngest half brothers (except for the fundamentalist Christian, home-schooling, isolation from society home he is bringing them up in) but at least he is there. Nonetheless, I know that I can never be true to myself and have a healthy relationship with him. I was feeling guilty because he is my father but some inspirational words made things click again from a book I am reading called 'the Good Heart' a comentary from the Dahli Lama over the Buddist perspective on the Christian Gospels. Jesus's mother and brothers arrive outside where Jesus was teaching and ask him to come out. When Jesus hears the message he says 'who is my mother, who are my brothers? These people are my mother and brothers.' I shouldn't feel guilty, my family is much more than who I am related too, it is not only those people that are in my life, but those that have been in my life and those that will be in my life and even those I will never know. My family is a rich and diverse group of people that love me, accept me and want the best for me as I do for them. I have received more instruction on life, love and happiness from people I have no blood relation to than those that I am biologically connected to. I love all people and all people are family, but some don't deserve the person I have become, my dad is one of them. Since he cannot accept me, he dosen't deserve to experience me. That is that. (period)

Sun, 14 Jul 2002 07:20:06 GMT

Damn this has been a hard time. Since I last updated, I have been working every night. As if I wasn't stressed enough, somehow my dad gets my number and calls me and leaves a message. Just hearing his voice sent me into a depression, PTSD SUCKS!!! I have been able to control my depression with 100% effectiveness for the past 7 months and then this happens, now it is worse. Because my spirituallity has progessed, I know I am called to love him and even though I have forgiven him, the chemical imbalance brings everything back up like I am reliving those years all at once. I want to talk to him about it and get it out in the open, but I don't want to hurt him. At the same time I know most of it is due because I want his approval, I want him to be proud of me and even though everything in my life is something I can look back on now and say, "wow, look what I have been though, I am successful" I know that the minute I utter those words, 'I am bisexual' his disdain, disapproval and disappointment will return. But I know that that is the one thing that is keeping me from getting his love and approval because in his eyes I would be a sick and sinful person that is headed for hell. Never mind the fact that I am a loving kind person that doesn't drink, sleep around and practices the teachings of Jesus. How do you tell someone that they are the reason you felt like a failure for years, they are the source of so much pain that you gave up on your dreams and aspirations and that you have had to give everything up just to get some inkling of truth and happiness back into your life. I am so angry at him that all I want to do is cry, but I want him to love me like a father is supposed to love a son. I am not sure what I will do.

Tue, 02 Jul 2002 09:03:41 GMT

ok so I haven't gone to bed yet, I think tomorrow (today) I will go to the Double Rainbow for lunch, I need to get out of the house if I ever expect to socialize and meet people.

Another Lazy Day

Tue, 02 Jul 2002 07:26:27 GMT

Ugh, I can't wait to get back to work. My relief at the hotel is going on vacation this week so in order to get the shifts covered they asked if I wanted to work all of them, sure I said, then they gave me 5 days off, which is cool cause I have to work 13-14 days straight (overtime, yeah!) But I have run out of things to do. I worked on the lawn and washed off the porch and railings (they get really dirty here in the desert) and then I made some Garden Architecture, Martha Stewart would be proud. I made two tall (I am not sure what they are actually called) slender pyramids. I made them out of some thin branches I had pruned from the trees last year. Pretty sturdy and rustic looking. I was pleased. I am not sure what I will do with them. I also did laundry and more family research. That is becoming a pain in the ass, but I need to know where I came from. If my Great Grandmother is from Poland (according to a barely legible census, how did she get an English Father from Virginia? Who knows, maybe my entire family decended from a seedy afair and that really isn't my Ggrandmother listed on the census but rather my Ggrandfathers real wife (gasp!) That would explain the unending drama in my family - it's hereditary. Anyway, I am through for the night.

Mon, 01 Jul 2002 08:05:51 GMT

Not a very productive day, made my kitchen curtain, made a pillow, went to the drug store and flirted with this guy that has been eyeing me, did some research on my family history, oh I am also English, Great-Great GrandFather - William Henry Brown, I did find a marriage document from Ireland, but that may not be the right one. Not much to say tonight, so I won't ramble on about fabric, I need a life.

Sun, 30 Jun 2002 10:32:02 GMT

today was a good day. The depression did lift. I woke up, hopped on my bike, rode 3 miles to the store (all uphill, thank you). Once again I headed for the cloth section to scout out the deals. I found another material (navy blue) that will work well over the kitchen doorway. That is the one distracting place in my little house, there are all these tall wide doors, thick stucko walls and at least 9 foot ceilings with huge windows and then there is this opening to the kitchen in this thick plaster/cement wall that is maybe 6.5 ft if that and 2.5-3 ft wide, it looks more like a cave opening that a doorway, especially when the kitchen light is off. I have had a throw with a celtic design covering it, but I deceided I needed something with cleaner lines to match the rest of the house. This one I will do a nice tab treatment on and since the fabric is gauzy and will be hung high, it will give the illusion that the doorway is bigger. Next I need to work on my bathroom. That needs some major overhaul, curtains ain't gonna cut it. Well there I am leaving the store with my bag filled with 12 yards of fabric (4yards the above, 4 yards of a green heavy canvas - apolstering some chairs, and 4 yards of a gray pattern in large checks - pillows to break up the solid colors), a package of pillow stuffing and a bathroom organizer. I am suprised I didn't get hit on my way home. I finally started to read 'Why Christianity must Change or Die' by Bishop Sprong and am having a difficult time with it. I agree with him, but I guess my spirituallity has gotten to the point where I am tired of fighting, tired of picking apart arguements, I just want to love humanity and the potential that it has. Of course most people wont agree with me. I just know that the real church is the human society not an institution. Like it says, 'lift a rock and you will find me, split a piece of wood and I will be there.' or something like that.

MMM - Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche Caramel Ice Cream, Soooo Gooood

Sat, 29 Jun 2002 07:59:10 GMT

I think my depression is lifting, leave it to Ice Cream, it always does the trick, God I need a man, well, maybe more ice cream, it doesn't give me attitude.

Sat, 29 Jun 2002 07:26:33 GMT

This is what I get. I haven't had any alcohol for over a year and I feel like crap. Of course wine has always done that to me. My headache is finally gone but I feel the slight haze of a depression setting in. I should be fine tomorrow. I will get on my bike and get some exercise and maybe go to the store and windowshop. I did make some new curtains, the main set for the double window is two panels of this soft dark charcol gray flanel around a panel of white linen like material. I know they say that window coverings shouldn't be dark but for some reason in this small space, they work and really define the area. I made tiebacks out of thick wire in a swirly pattern. The two gray panels are tied back to the side of the windows and the panel is tied back on the center post that seperates the two windows. Masculine yet soft at the same time. My other window needs some work. Right now I have this beautiful dark green panel that comes half way down and a white panel underneith. It is very clean and it keeps out the afternoon sun (faces due east) and cuts down on the heat, but it just doesn't work very well. I need the protection from the sun, maybe a really thick Roman shade would look good. Oh and I love the Walmarts here, they have a fabric section that has butt-loads of cloth for $1 a yard. Some of it is crap that I would never use, but I did get all the cloth for my curtains there for nothing. Too bad I am not in my funky 70's style of decorating anymore they do have some of that cloth too, I wouldn't even call it vintage, just old with bad taste. Maybe I will make Nicole a halter top out of it :)

Fri, 28 Jun 2002 09:15:05 GMT

So, a bottle of wine latter...I am so glad this week is over at work. We had 'Nappy Roots' staying in the hotel. The groups members were really nice but lets just say their 'following' left something to be desired. I had a group of 10-15 people all early 20's or late teens come in after their concert wanting a room. Umm, ok, yeah, lets see here, sure I will rent you a room in this historic hotel that is currently filled with scientists and government people, yeah that sounds like a good idea! Hell no, thank god we were completely booked, ok I had two rooms left, but the last thing I am going to do is let these people in. Hello, go to the motel 6 to party. Weee, I love wine. I think I will get another kitty, my baby gets so lonely when I am at work, and then I hear it in the morning. Oh, if only Cleo were here.

Fri, 28 Jun 2002 06:04:44 GMT

I went to the store tonight. Walked out with all the right things, gourmet ice cream, flowers and a couple of bottles of wine. Then I realized how sad that was considering there was no date, just me and my cat. I think my biological clock has begun to tick, I want romance, a intimate wedding, kids. Damnit, I am a guy, this isn't supposed to happen. Considering I haven't dated in years (guy or girl), this is NOT a good thing.

good week

Sat, 22 Jun 2002 07:17:35 GMT

This week was good, stressful but good. I can finally fit back into my shexy pants again. I honestly don't know why I bought them, totally not my style, shiny, black, but really soft when you touch them. But a few months ago I had gained so much weight my thighs barely fit and I couldn't button them (button fly). But I put them on last week and not only did they fit, they were a little loose. Of course if you know me, I have to be in a certain mood to even bother trying to impress those of the same (or opposite) sex, and those moods have been REALLY rare lately. I just have lost interest in trying to find that special someone. It's not that I am all woe-is-me, it is more that I honestly doubt there is a person out there that will put up with my intense spirituality, and lately, that is fine with me. Ok, ok, I want a family, I want kids, I want to wake up in the morning and look into the groggy eyes and see the disheveled hair of the person I love, and feel safe, I know that person will come around at some point, but right now isn't the right time, I am going through so many changes.
I got my paycheck today - woohoo, I forgot how much 1.50 more an hour really is, kinda happens when pay is low already. I just remember the day when that .25 raise meant the world. I am happy where I am at and that is all that matters. I did buy a couple of book cases today, they look SO much better than the makeshift one I had set up. Next I want to buy a murphy bed and a loveseat. I saw a beautiful loveseat at the store today, little wooden legs, and a camel colored fabric that looked like cheniel but wasn't. Debating whether I should get that one or not, I can just imagine coming home and finding it torn to shreds by my kitty. But first things first, pay off my car, tuition and doctors bills (now at 2500.00). I will get there, and when I do, I will go someplace else.

Long Time

Sun, 16 Jun 2002 07:27:01 GMT

Wow, I hadn't realized that it had been so long since I had updated my journal. Let's see what has happened? I have been off my meds since January and I am doing fine. Of course I have been VERY careful not to put myself in situations that trigger my depressions. Ummm, I no longer have a car, that was totaled in late December which caused me to loose my job because I could no longer get to work. I couldn't go back to school this semester because of funds but I did get a 4.04 GPA - WOO HOO GO ME! I was unemployed for 4 months and was working at Sams club for 2.5 months or so when I got a better job offer doing night audit closer to home and I have been there for about 2 weeks. I am having to bike everywhere but I have lost alot of weight because of it and am actually starting to get an ass - woohoo. I actually am finding myself getting on my bike for no reason, and thats cool. I stopped going to MPower a little over 3 months ago. My depressions were just out of control and once I stopped going, I leveled out. My moods have been pretty steady since. I have been focusing alot more on my spiritual beliefs and that has been a good anchor for me. I MISS NICOLE SO MUCH! I have been wanting to pick up the phone and call her, but having been unemployed for so long really put me in another hole. Part of me wants to save up as much money and just move to Seattle with her as soon as possible, the other part of me wants to focus on school and go there for my grad degree, but quite honestly, University of New Mexico isn't exactly known for it's theology department. I keep telling myself that I will give myself another year here. We will see.
I marched with Mpower at the pride parade (they needed extra people), of course I chiped in and did their makeup too (Alice in wonderland, I did the queen of hearts and the March hair's makeup). The parade was cool, but the festival was kind of a let down. It seemed more like a ghetto excuse to party instead of a political/social statement. Literally, it seemed like a outdoor nightclub complete with bars and a dancefloor full of a bunch of people. I think there may have been a contest to see who could look more like a twelve year old boy (sarcasim). I think the part that made me feel the most out of place (besides the sunburn accomp. by nausia) was that there wasn't anyone in my age range. There were the 35 and up with their kids and partners etc., and then there were the late teens and early 20's that were only concerned with clubs and partying. But there didn't seem to be any young proffessionals (not that I am a proffessional) that were no longer into the bar scene. There also wasn't very many booths representing the gay/bi/les/tran etc. community or businesses that supported the community. But that is another issue.
Anyway, I don't know if I said it before, but I now have a kitty. It's a boy and so affectionate, and quite chubby, he is SOOO cute. His original name (from the previous owners) was Grayson, but he answers to Mietzie (Meatsee) a name I picked up from Nicoles Mom and later heard on the movie about the Diary of Anne Frank. I am now an orange belt in Karate. I had to take some time off because of my schedual at Sams club, but I started going back last week. NEway, that is enough for now, more next week.

Loopy again

Mon, 10 Dec 2001 12:28:35 GMT

So the week that I ran out of meds, I got them refilled, had an appointment a week later and found out that my doctor is taking me off of them. There goes $60 down the toilet. He is going to put me on Wellbutrin because it is more of a stimulant. I am finally done with school this semester. I was supposed to have a final in Sociology this thursday but he cancelled it cause he didn't want to grade 200+ papers. Trust me though, this past week has been hard enough. I had a concert on Monday, 3 hour rehersals Tuesday-Thursday, Concert on Friday (with my big solo) and another concert on Sunday. Ugh! musical overload. Actually I enjoyed it. My solo went really well, someone told me that I was the only professional sounding thing in the entire concert. Thats cool considering it was with a 160 voice choir and a wind symphony. I also got my gold belt in Karate. They said it was one of the best tests they had seen in a while. That totally suprised me. When I wasn't doing the moves I was shaking horribly but apparently when I was doing the moves, I did them really well.
The shaking I am not sure about. I have been having them quite a bit lately, it is like my hands start shaking and I can't make them stop. I talked to my doctor about it and he said tremors were a side effect of Depakote and to tell him if they get unmanagable. I don't want to tell him if they do because the meds have been working wonders for me and I don't want to risk going through the process of finding a new medication. Kinda the lesser of two evils. Sometimes when I would hold my music, my hands would begin to shake, another time was on Dec 2, I was food chair for a party at Mpower and I was going to bring non-alchol rum balls, and parmesian balls (had to make it up since I couldn't get a hold of Nicole). I did ok on the rum balls, but because of the tremors, it took me almost 3 hours to make the parmesian balls and I only made a dozen or so. That was really frustrating. But the party was a hit and one of the coordinators told me that I was probably one of the best food chairs he had seen. What can I say, I am just little Mr homemaker. Always the hostess. It is kinda funny, I have been getting so much validation lately, but I have never felt more insecure about where I am going and depressed because I am alone on the holidays.

OUI!

Sun, 25 Nov 2001 10:14:48 GMT

What a week! Not a bad one, just a strange one. I ran out of one of my meds the friday before last and I couldn't get it refilled until Tuesday. Apparantly one of the side effects of withdrawl is dizzyness. Dizzyness, that was an understatement, Monday and Tuesday I was totally loopy and felt high (I kinda liked it) Maybe I will 'run out' more often! So thankgiving came and went. Spent the day cleaning and rearranging my furniture and thinking about Nicole. Then I went over to my martial Arts teachers house for pumpkin pie and coffee, the only thing I ate that day besides toast. He had me sing for him (he is also a blues/jazz singer) he was very impressed and wants me to come to one of his rehersals. I kinda finished my paper and I proved my arguement. I showed evidence of a strong female role within the early churches including documents, writtings etc. that had been lost since the 5th century when the Roman church declared it herasy to ordain women. It needs more work, but I am suprised at how much I found. NEway, got to go

Mon, 19 Nov 2001 07:54:34 GMT

ok, the stye is going away, yay! I really don't have that much to say, at least nothing important. I have another paper due Tuesday. This time I am focusing on how ancient middle eastern and Roman societies effected women's roles within the church. It is hard to find evidence to support my thesis from a source that doesn't have a feminist bias though. Plus it isn't like there was alot of documents written on the role of women in these ancient societies that don't deal with legal procedings and there weren't alot of feminism activism back in those days. I will find a way, I always do.
Oh Lord I forgot to say, My English teacher is a total freak. I like him and everything. We have good theological discussions, somehow the issue of homosexuality came up and he compared it to stealing, a sickness that doesn't mean it is correct just because it is natural. I just kept my mouth shut. He wouldn't fail me for my views, I just didn't want to get into it. Ugh, MS Lutherans. He is also against women in the church and feels that the exodus of people when women started being ordained is reason enough to not ordain women. God forbid the truth is actually brought into the light about the REAL message of Christ and not some dim witted view forced on the church by biased, sexist men. I never thought I would consider myself a feminist, but I do believe in rights and correcting falicies. Truth is reason enough to question, how the hell does he think Lutheranism came about?

Got a stye in my eye

Sun, 18 Nov 2001 13:40:39 GMT

I woke up a couple of days ago and my eye was swollen, I have been told it is a stye. Ok, my eye isn't swollen shut, in fact I like the lift it has given to me eyebrow, but Symetry! Come on. It itches like hell, and hurts if I rub it. FUN FUN FUN.
My martial arts class is going well, I will be getting my gold belt the second week in December. The instructor says he is really proud of me. It is so cool, except for the huge bruise I have on my knee. I need to watch it, I get a little too into it. But it is fun, and you should see me, I get into class and I am the only one smiling and excited. And when I am able to do certain exercise well, I am all types of happy. I was at conditioning on Friday and we did the Firemans carry (drag yourself across the floor using only your arms) I was the first one to finish. AND I was the biggest person there. My instructor was quite impressed, so was everyone else, considering that 3 weeks ago I could barely make it across the gym floor the first way now I can go back and forth.
Ummm, let's see, I have a pretty important solo in the University chorus, it is only 3 bars long but it is the last thing the audience will hear in a 3 movement piece, so it is kinda important. Other than that, everythings fine.